What is it about Judges? It doesn’t seem to matter whether they are Dog Show or High Court - they have totally lost touch with reality. Apparently a recent survey has reported that the average age of judges is only a little less than their average daily consumption in units of alcohol. Which is far greater than the distance in centimetres that they can see clearly without the aid of another drink. Rumour has it the problems start when they have the extra liver fitted and start wearing outfits their elders discarded to support the war effort.

I remember the good old days when dogs were bred as companions and shown for fun, sound movement was paramount in all breeds and lame dogs were asked to leave the show ring. I think we’ve about reached the time when you don’t need to look at the dogs to see who’s lame and who should be leaving the ring.

I heard that this was taken to extremes at the recent Blind Drunk (and away with the fairies) Centenary Dog Show held in the car park of the Judge’s Lodging Public House and Duty Free Theme Park. There was a fluffy tarty lacquered bitch who had been stood motionless and had not been moved around the ring once by the owner/handler, Mr Ivor Notherlameone. After a brief exchange of words with the judge, he rushed from the ring and returned moments later with a four wheeled flat top trolley beautifully decorated with veterinary dog bedding and Astroturf.

To the total amazement of the other competitors, the bitch was lifted onto the trolley and secured with Velcro straps over all four feet. Then the handler executed a perfectly paced triangle pulling the trolley alongside with the bemused bitch standing fixed on top. After some mumbling from both inside and outside the ring, judging continued with the judge eventually awarding Best of Breed and a little later Best in Show to the Trolley with the Bitch on top.

After carefully framed photographs had been taken by the press (including representatives from Practical Trolleymaker and Prams and Pram Conversions), the judge and the proud owner were seen departing in their shared transport, heading for the nearest discount wine store.

A number of disgruntled owners gathered around after the show to review the dramatic events of the day. The runner up was overheard talking to the press and commenting "I know it might appear to be sour grapes, but that trolley was definitely crabbing and the oil used on the bearings is not approved by the Kennel Club". Another breeder commented that although the successful bitch has been doing a lot of winning, its only a matter of time before the wheels come off.

An arch rival of the winning owner, Mr Ian Itforyears is now planning to bring his record breaking Champion back into the ring. Once he remembers where the dog was buried and he finds a really good taxidermist. "All you need today is a good set of wheels" he quipped.

In their defence, judges will tell you that they are more interested in type than movement. Does this dog belong to the type of person who will settle my wine merchant’s account and send my family away on holiday? Whatever the excuse, some say it will result in more dogs that can’t move properly, winning and being bred from. As for me, I’m working on the chrome for Crufts!

and another thing ..............