The lighter side of life in the Pedigree Dog World

Hot Dogs

It's the middle of summer in Kansas and the average daily temperature is a roasting phew!, with humidity about a double phew! Who said a double? That'll do for me. Anyway back to the point. I'm driving along in the fully air-conditioned truck my hosts have kindly lent me and in the space of about half a mile I pass two joggers and their dogs. Now the joggers, one male and one female had taken the sensible precaution of not wearing their coats but just the minimum clothing allowed in this State to avoid arrest. Unlike their pets, who were dressed normally.

I was going to stop and ask if the dogs were just for show (not showing) or did they really enjoy running a few miles in 100 degree heat. I chose to keep my opinions to myself. The male runner may have been carrying a concealed weapon, either that or he really enjoyed his running. The female was obviously not to be messed with given the level of body art and firmly attached jewelry. In fact, if they had John Smith's here, a Magnet wagon would have sucked her right off the sidewalk and I'm really not sure whether she would have enjoyed that or not.

So what possesses the average American dog owner to take their pooch for a run in the middle of a very hot day? If it's good for me, it must be good for my dog right? Wrong buster. Think chocolate and missionary position for starters. Which leads me on to the real reason I'm over here. I'm playing missionary to these colonials who have seriously lost the plot and I'm not talking religion. Unless of course you believe that dog feeding is something sacred.

Anybody reading this who has never been to this colony has to understand that when you go to a restaurant and somebody takes two chairs, it's not because they want privacy. No, I'm afraid the furniture industry supplying the average fast food outlet has not caught up with the modern man. Trust me, it's real easy to do, they don't move too fast. Somebody asking or just helping themselves to two seats, is doing it out of necessity. I've always wondered how they manage to…. No, second thoughts, let's not go there.

I was approached some time ago by a certain Major Food Manufacturer, I knew his father you know, we were in the same regiment. I was asked if I would help with some research they were sponsoring in conjunction with the Feeding and Training Dogs Society, a lesser known canine charity often referred to as FAT Dogs. I hear that a rival feminist group has recently been established called FAT B…..s and I'm sure you already know about the bovine affiliate that's been around for years. At my house anyway. So, what research? I hear you cry. To tell you the truth, I can't bloody remember. You see they bought my airline ticket and I ended up very close to the front of the plane where the Gin hardly stops flowing at all.

I keep driving around looking for dogs, story of my younger life too, trying to recall what it was I'm supposed to be researching. I know it was something to do with dogs and food so I thought if I focus on hot dogs, that should cover it. But lately I have been getting confused. They have chilly dogs, corn dogs, bird dogs and wait for it, coon dogs! I thought this country was so PC but how can you be so wrong. I go into a hardware store to get my dear friends something to remember me by. They didn't have any really big sponges, so I thought I'd take advantage of their stationery sale and then I saw the sign "Sorry, No Colors".

There is of course a message to this communication and that is quite simple. The joggers want their dogs to be like them, do stupid things like running through the streets in the middle of the day in unbearable heat. In the very same way but at the other end of the so called fitness (or is it fatness) scale are those who want their dogs to eat too much and end up like their owners. Obese. Ah, now I remember. I have to investigate the diet of overweight dogs, find out everything I can about what they eat and drink, what exercise they get and what their living accommodation is like and their breeding habits.

There was one other thing too. That was to identify whether single dogs in a household tend to be more overweight than dogs that share their home with other canines. So, I guess it's back to the bar I was at last night then and I can probably kill two birds with one stone. I wonder if my variation on the 007 line "My name's Bond, James Bond" will work again tonight with my dapper English accent "I'm drunk, very drunk"

Col Barker (Retd.)