So of they went at the crack of dawn to bag themselves some ducks. By 8.00 they had been at it for nearly three hours and had nothing to show for their trouble. Michael said "to be sure, I can’t understand it we’ve been out here for hours now and we havener caught a thing". "Tis right" replied Patrick who continued "maybe we‘re doing something wrong". Michael pondered for a while and looked at Patrick "you know you might have something there". He looked even more pensive and then out it came "Patrick, are you sure you’re throwing the dog high enough?"

As Bernese owners know only too well, they are no good for duck hunting because you can’t throw them at all. Much more in there line if we’re talking about the boys is "Cherchez la Femme". This involves the handler being dragged this way and that until the dog finds the other canine. He obviously believes he is on some kind of rescue mission, thinking that this other canine has hurt its back end because he immediately sticks his head between the surprised animals rear legs and lifts its rear gently up from the ground whilst catching his breath. "Suivez la Bitch" is a well known and highly developed variation of the game where the dog ends up trying to pump the poor bitch full of helium (I guess!) to help lighten the load on those delicate hips.

Much more fun than either of these games are the classic Bernese show specialities "embarrass the handler" and "laugh at the judge". However a new game is now sweeping the circuit. Called by many "limp up le line" and by others "cripple in le cards" it involves the dog feigning lameness in order to be given a higher position in the judges line up. Apparently the game first appeared in the mid nineties after a spate of lame dogs being awarded top honours. Once a number of senior (and I mean senior) judges had been promoting obviously lame dogs, it was believed that these limpers must be so good in every other respect that the fact they couldn’t move was being overlooked. Younger (and I mean only slightly) judges learning from their elders misunderstood what was happening and many of them are now promoting lame dogs as a matter of course. The assumption being if it’s good enough to be in the ring and it’s lame, it must be really special. Unfortunately the whole thing has now got out of hand and breeders are fitting young healthy dogs with plaster pots prior to exercising and at ringcraft in order that they develop really genuine looking limps. Where will it all end? Who knows, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if lame handlers become the next craze.

The KC are obviously taking it seriously as reflected by their recent LOCAM lecture tour for aspiring and perspiring judges. The Lack of Confirmation and Movement seminars use senior KC Members and Officials to demonstrate (quite naturally apparently) the LOCAM phenomena.

Proposals to change the Crufts name to Crutches and the corporate colours from racing green to car sticker orange and CC’s to Cripple Certificates have all been dismissed as pure speculation by the KC foot. So don’t complain if you’re beaten by an unsound dog - it’s just another lame excuse!

.......Who me?...........