So there I am on my way back from visiting the colonies and checking on the new President, specifically when he is likely to be starting World War III so I can get plenty of supplies in for the bunker. I'm just getting to grips with my daily quota of gin and tonics and on came the movie. Well there was a choice but this one definitely appealed, especially after the sherberts, it was called Best in Show. Well I could have wet myself, in fact as a result of the aforementioned refreshment, I probably did.

Haven't laughed so much since Valerie Singleton, Peter Purves and John Noakes lost control of the Elephant on Blue Peter or the Champ Show judge gave best of breed to a visiting Martian who was spectating to close to the ring. This movie has got everything for the show dog enthusiast, the not so straight minority groups from both genders, the rich, the poor, the sexually frustrated and like the real dog world - nobody normal.

It's made in what they call the documentary style and follows the fortunes of a number of top exhibitors as they prepare themselves and their dogs for the big annual championship show. I really don't like to give too much away but why change the habits of a lifetime, bloody money grabbing bitches and their lawyers.

Anyway back to the plot, is it the redneck with the bloodhound who does ventriloquism, the redneck not the dog, who will make you smile because of who he reminds you of. Or will it be the slapper who appears to have had carnal knowledge with everybody in the dog world and her Norwich Terrier. And I thought those Norwich Terrier people were a bit above that, in fact they have told pedigreedogs.co.uk that and I quote "there are very few puppies and we are very choosy". It's almost just worth watching to see that bunch get it.

Could it be the yuppie couple with the Weimeraners who need counselling after their dog catches them at it the bedroom, or the pair of male hairdressers and their Shi Tzus. I may be full of it, and in fact I was by the end of the movie, but for once trust me and go see it, it's a bloody hoot. I think Gabby Roslin et al could learn a whole lot from the TV presenter who believes the show would be far more interesting if they dressed the bloodhound up like Sherlock Holmes or if the dogs did tricks, simple stuff like sit and stay.

I enjoyed it so much, as soon as it had finished I reached for my laptop dancer and got her to take a few things down that were on my mind. Like when's my next drink going to turn up, when's the next dog show, are all Norwich Terrier women slappers?

I guess our friends at Clarges Street will probably try and disqualify the movie on the basis that it's too representative of the breed. The film seems to cleverly avoid having a go at the organisers - the cynic in me (yes there is one) would say that they needed their co-operation to make the movie and hence they had some kind of editorial input.

Having reviewed it again with my laptop dancer and some more refreshment, I think this movie could be the start of a trend to get this whole dog show nonsense to stop taking itself so seriously. I'm on board as they say and I plan to be refreshing my way to Hollywood very soon (on somebody else's account of course - nearer the front, bigger seats, better cellar). I have a number of things at the idea stage, well I've got some titles and that's good enough for most of these film types.

The ice is melting fast - I think it's the heat from the laptop, so here goes

Corgi and Bess - a Royal Epic

Dog Day Afternoon - remake based on Sunday at Crufts

Miracle on Clarges Street

"Best in Show" opens around the country on Friday 9th March.

Col Barker (Retd.)