The lighter side of life in the Pedigree Dog World

The Star Spangled Slapper

An old friend called me a few weeks ago and asked me to take a look at a company he had just purchased. He was an old friend and obviously believed that some of my old grey matter hadn't yet become completely pickled. Having told him that I was really too busy enjoying my retirement, surfing the internet for interesting partners following the Memsaab's demise, which won't be too long coming, he proceeded to paint a more interesting picture. Well, it's in Florida and there's an apartment there you can use and a car and of course I'll cover any expenses. "Any expenses?" I queried. "Well, within reason" he replied. On the assumption that would be my reason I began to get more interested. "Oh and the company I've bought has it's own United Nations, there are women from Argentina, the Ukraine, Cuba, Poland and all over the place". Bloody hell I thought, that'll save me a fortune in time and expense on the Internet. "OK, will tomorrow be alright"

For those who haven't been to visit our North American colony recently, you should be aware that the new US Immigration procedures now include fingerprinting and photography as standard. It's still only special people that get the full body search, although the Memsaab always seems to get picked out for that and apparently quite enjoys being probed by the security officers, makes her feel safer or something. Anyway travelling alone on this occasion, I made a mental note that I had better be careful where I go putting my fingers this trip now they have the prints. Usually get them sent later with a financial demand for the negatives. Anyway, by the time I arrived in Florida I quickly worked out why he had asked me to go take a look at his new acquisition and why he was staying at home in the mid west. It's like walking into an oven here at this time of year. Most Americans come here in the winter and we thought they weren't the smartest of nations. Temperatures are in the high 80's and 90's (in old money) but the humidity is way above 80% all the time and that makes it like a sauna, all the time. Thank heaven for air conditioning, although it does take a bit of getting used to when your glasses steam up when you get out of the car, whoever was in there with you. I was alone m'lud and only in an advanced state of undress to prepare myself for the heat outside, honest.

Another good reason to be here and not in 'blightie' at this time of year is that one can legitimately avoid the championship show circuit when it is at it's peak. How many people do you hear saying that it used to be fun, but now everybody takes the whole thing to seriously and of course 90% of it is totally unethical and bordering on corrupt. So, no change there then I guess. What has always surprised me is why nobody stands up and shouts it from the rooftops. Frightened they might be ostracised by any friends they have made in the wonderful world of dog showing and hence screw any chance they may have of being in the 'successful' 90%. The Americans have us Brits down as the biggest dog lovers in the world and so when I recount to them events that have come to my attention, they are little short of disgusted. Thought they had the monopoly on modern day badness I guess, given their efforts to force freedom on the Middle East with smart bombs.

Well at least they are ahead of us on the DNA front and that's stopping a whole bunch of nonsense continuing. Yes, people do lie on their registration documents but not for much longer, there's a new series coming to Channel 5, "CSI Clarges Street" which will catch these cheats bang to rights. Unfortunately, there are some who have already seen it coming and are hard at work destroying the evidence that could get them found out, like any good criminal would. Unfortunately, in many cases, the evidence may well be a living, breathing dog. They are what they are and we shouldn't let them get away with any activity that is likely to cause harm or distress to the animals they allegedly are in this world for. Yeah, right. We shall see what develops but the Kennel Club needs to be aware that without evidence, they will have no case. Something they should be pre-empting with those who may be living with a guilty conscience.

The other thing that is really worth missing around the rings is the persistent bitching by those who should know better, some chance I know. It amazes me that those who think they have a valued opinion will give loud and negative opinions about other potentially challenging exhibits that might just spoil their plans. Not only for all to hear but also usually totally uninformed and to the wiser amongst us, they show their true knowledge of the dog, let alone the breed. Yes, you've got it, naff all. What would such a person think if I were to go up to their dog at a show, by the ring or the benching area, when a good crowd is around and in ear shot, and inquire as to who the bitch is on the other end of the lead. I could follow this up by saying while steadily winding up the volume that I asked because she has funny legs. 'Funny Legs' you may ask. 'Yes', I would respond, 'Apparently she has a great deal of trouble keeping them together'. I would of course avoid mentioning the mattress strapped to her back in case she meets any men she knows and the rubber suckers on her knees, to stop her slipping on the cobbles. But I think you get the general idea.

Well, I guess it's time to stop worrying about the nonsense going on in the dog world this time of year and focus on my work here. Dennis the menace has now all but passed and although I'm a long way from the strike zone, I've been suffering the increased wind all this week. On second thoughts, that may have been some of the strange food I've been sampling with the international research project I have managed to turn this trip into. Anyway, it's maybe time to focus on something new and interesting. Yes, I'm just getting on to the Ukrainian and my glasses are not the only thing that's steaming up.

Col. Barker (Retd.) currently on sherberts in the sauna