The lighter side of life in the Pedigree Dog World

Summers, Hummers and Bummers

Well Dennis and Emily both missed me, unlike the Memsaab, Franklin didn't even make it ashore and now I hear on the news that a sandstorm is on its way to Florida from the Sahara. These facts raise two questions, firstly why do they give hurricanes such pleasant names, and shouldn't they be referred to as 'absolute Billy bastard' or something more appropriate. Secondly, is the question about climate change and the question is, when will out political leaders get their heads out of their r's long enough to realize what's going on. A well informed colleague explained to me why politicians fail to act on the climate issue. It's because it involves giving bad news to voters in the short term in order to put things right in the long term, so it's never going to get to the top of the agenda until it's far too late. Like about now I guess, and of course judging at Championship Dog Shows.

Oh well back to my exploits here in the colonies. I finally got to the beach last week having been recommended 'Deerfield Beach' as one of the most picturesque, I decided to venture forth and check it our before returning for my bucket and spade, assuming that's what I'd be needing and not an assault weapon to take on the wildlife going by the beach's name. Which reminds me, assault weapons are probably on special this week at the local grocery store and it's a case of buy one and get a free hand gun of your choice. Did you know that the National Rifle Association still say, in defence of the current US gun laws, that it is not guns that kill people, it's people. Yes, people with guns you dummies or are there a lot of deaths from attacks with assault hamburgers or assault hot dogs.

Anyway as regards the view, they were so right, as soon as I arrived I was aghast and my tongue was hanging out. The view was dozens the South American beauties hanging out of their thongs and all in pairs. As we had something in common, I thought I should show one or two of them my Dumbledore impersonation to break the ice. However, I decided it was probably too hot to get my wand out on the beach, especially in front of such delicate things who might be frightened by something so powerful. I could put a spell on them I suppose. OK girls, I want you to spell 'pervert' as used in the sentence 'that dirty old man with his wand in his hand is a 'pervert'.

So that's really what summers are all about in Florida, dodging the hurricanes, going to the beach, eating junk food (or just stocking up on it for 'ammo'), enjoying the panoramic views and avoiding detection. I would have mentioned the orange juice but to be honest, I've had enough of it, so much in fact I'm starting to peel. Avoiding the traffic is also something one learns to do very quickly in these parts. The rush hour in the morning lasts from 6.00 am to about 9.00 am and in the evening from 4.00 pm to 7.00 pm, and it's busy most of the rest of the day too.

Florida is a real melting pot and not just because of the weather and unfortunately this means that many fellow motorists should probably not be driving at all. Firstly, there are the imports, not the vehicles the drivers and these are folks who a month or so ago were probably still on a tropical island and had never even seen a motor vehicle, let alone thousands of them on a six lane highway and not all going in the same direction. The law of the jungle works everywhere I guess because causing far more mayhem on the roads than this group are the, well let's call them senior citizens or maybe the forgetful ones. This state has a massive population of ageing retirees and it shows. I've seen them in the stores buying all the latest 'wrinkle free' products, clothes mainly. Think they've totally lost the plot especially when you see them at the returns counter arguing that 'these pants didn't get rid of my wrinkles like it said'. Who said euthanasia was such a bad thing. When they're driving it's like spinning the wheel of fortune, will it be left, right, forward, reverse, stop, go, faster, slower. I guess it will come to us all one day but I just hope I've got something young and fresh about me to keep my mind alert and my body firm. Think I saw a few candidates on the beach earlier.

Sorry, back to the plot. So we complain back home about four wheel drive moms taking the kids to school and all that stuff but here it's just got bigger and bigger. You develop a military vehicle and then modify it slightly for the general public and you sell a few. Then in their wisdom, the government decides to introduce very attractive tax allowances on vehicles over a certain price and weight aimed at agricultural and commercial vehicles in order to stimulate and promote business investment. Hey presto, the military vehicle with the public modifications (shiny paint mainly) falls into the weight category at over 3 tons and the price category at over $40,000, suddenly the freeways are full of them, so are the parking lots, the side roads, the gas stations and so on. Maybe there are so many here in Florida because motorists feel they need this military protection to guard against the imports and senior citizens plaguing the state's roads. Hummers are everywhere but can you imagine the wisdom of the company who bought the rights to the name Hummer and put on a range of men's fragrances. I kid you not.

Finally you should be aware of a misunderstanding. Had it been Larry Grayson who had told me, I would have worked it out. Or even these modern ones who have come out. But it wasn't, it was one of my new found young South American friends who suggested that I should got to a certain beach in Miami because it would be a lot of fun. Well, she actually said it was a gay beach. Now, I'm not one to point the finger (or anything else come to that) or criticise people for their sexual preferences on the understanding that 'what they do in the privacy of their own homes is just fine'. I was shocked, not only was it gay, but it brought a whole new meaning to the expression 'beach bum'. They were all behaving as if they were in the privacy of their own homes. Mind you I did notice a few flesh coloured water wings so there were certainly some very confused chromosomes out there.

Guess you're wondering what all this drivel has to do with the wonderful world of dogs back home. Well as I was thinking about the retired community down here and the last beach I mentioned, I realized that if the Kennel Club is still looking for Championship Show Judges with the same credentials as the current ones, then they can get everything they want here in Florida and even get a token import and a military vehicle thrown in to protect them from adoring exhibitors. In my dreams.

Col. Barker (Retd.) currently avoiding detection in the south