As I drove towards the King's former home, down Elvis Presley Boulevard of course, strange tunes came into my head and phrases like 'All Shook Up' and 'Love me Tender' came to mind. I was of course recalling a completely different piece of nostalgia involving a rather friendly belly dancer I was once lucky to be acquainted with. Well, I suppose it was a little more than an acquaintance, she became the Memsab, stopped dancing, started eating and her belly dancing these days is totally out of her control. Which reminds me, whatever happened to aggressive under garments, I just can't seem to get what I need these days.

After parking in the visitors' car park, I made my way to the ticket office and decided on the Platinum Tour which included not only the Mansion but also the Airplanes, the Car Museum and something else that really couldn't have been that interesting. So first to the house. Well not quite, Elvis Presley Enterprises, Inc., want to take your picture first, perhaps they are worried about the planes, who knows. Then the headset and the mobile receiver unit are presented to you for the tour. This is obviously not a live tour - there hasn't been one of those since 1977 apparently. After the posing and the kitting out, came the herding onto the tour bus for the 200 yard drive across the road and up to the front door of the mansion.

I thought it might be emotional and even tense, past tense. But no, the other people on the bus were laughing. Oops, hadn't left something open again, had I? I was obviously plugged into the wrong channel and not getting the same information as the rest of the group. Finally worked that out but never did find out what had been so amusing. I was amazed at the size of it, it was nothing like as big as I expected. Seems like I've heard that somewhere before, the Memsab again probably. A house where Elvis, Pricilla, Lisa Marie and his parents lived and that was constantly full of friends and associates has a dining table smaller than mine. The audio commentary would have you believe that family meals of traditional southern cooking were often taken here. Yes, and of course wrestling and dog shows are all fair and above board as well.

Elvis loved horses and when you finally get outside, part of the grounds include his stables and there are still horses kept there for effect. Also in the various collections alongside the guns, strange clothes and gold and platinum discs, there are a number of saddles and other pieces of horse paraphernalia. However, there is one thing missing from the house and everything to do with Elvis. You've got it - dogs. During the whole tour of Graceland, I saw but two dogs. One was a life size statue of a sitting Afghan Hound in the man's study and that seemed topical. The second was in a video clip which showed Elvis singing to a Bassett Hound on one of his early TV appearances. So what's the Elvis and dogs story? Maybe there isn't one, but I believe that in this world there are dog people and there are non dog people, sometimes referred to as Judges.

The latter are missing something in their lives: brains, good eyesight, a normal sized liver, real friends, youth, a sense of fair play and so on. Mind you, if I knew anything about dogs, I certainly wouldn't bury my relatives in the front garden. So I had a sudden flash of inspiration and thought that perhaps if Elvis is really alive, he may have come back as a show dog or worse still as a judge. More likely is that he will return as a mere mortal, and just be showing his dogs. Can you imagine what new rock'n'roll classics would come from the man's lips. 'Rock-a-Viszla Baby', 'Blue Suede Booties', 'Heartbreak Caravan', 'Love me Terrier' and the gospel classic 'Crying in the Kennel'.

And of course the one and only 'Hound Judge', which would probably go something like this:

You ain't nothin' but a Hound Judge,
cheating all the time
You ain't nothin' but a Hound Judge,
cheating all the time
I ain't never got the ticket
And you ain't no friend of mine
When they said I'd win my class
well, that was just a lie
When they said I'd win my class
well, that was just a lie
I ain't never got the ticket
And you ain't no friend of mine

You know, I think Elvis is in the right place for now. At least until the house is sold and the new owners let their dogs go digging in the garden!

Till next week, when I'll be off walking with Toto in search of the Wizard of Oz.

Col. Barker (Retd.)