"Back to the land of the cows" said the attractive young filly alongside me as we swept down to land. "Family or just friends?" I quipped. Missed by a mile again. It’s not possible to be subtle and funny in this culture, they just don’t get it. "Do you have any dogs?" I asked, to try and strike up a conversation for the remainder of the journey. I learnt a long time ago not to start talking to somebody in the next seat at the beginning of the journey when you know you are going to be stuck with them for the duration. Especially on airplanes, there’s no getting off at the next station. So just before landing is the ideal time, because if you do hit it off, there’s still time to exchange the necessary details. Funny though everybody I seem to hit it off with never wants my details and come to think of it never give me theirs either. Oh well, back to the dog question.

"Oh yes" she replied, "I have a little Toto". Reminds me of the Memsab before I realized I had a good chance of ending up with grandchildren. "I’m sorry" I quizzed, "But what exactly is a Toto?" Why do I always fall into the trap? So for the next few minutes, she proceeded to educate me on some of the less well known facts about the famous story of the Wizard of Oz and more importantly about the dog that followed Judy Garland all over the place. Now before all you terrier folks start screaming 'Cairn, it's a Cairn', let me tell you that the official line has always been a non-specific Scottish type terrier.

I was amazed to learn that there is a whole culture that has developed around this insignificant 'walkie on' part in the movie. The main official body, the Kennel Club of the Toto world if you like, is the 'The World Association of Toto Supporters', or Twats as they are better known. Then you have the rival organisation 'The International Toto Society' or Tits, and apparently there are many more regional based groups across the country. They even have overseas based groups of which the most well known is the French affiliate the Gallic International Toto Society, who like most French organisations are commonly referred to as Gits.

So, I hear you ask, what do these Toto fanatics get up to? Well according to Dorothy (she was more of a Doris really), they have regular meetings, where the women dress up in little school girl clothes, the men dress up as Lions or wear a lot of metal and they walk their dogs along the yellow brick road. Yeh, right. My memory might not be what it used to but I remember going to parties like that and come to think of it, I met a lot of dogs there too. What else I thought, could occupy these strange groups and of course it wasn't long before Dotty (and she was) expanded on the activities of these until now secret societies.

The very latest thing to hit the scene is Toto Karaoke. OK, I give up, what is it? Well there is the usual Elton John number, 'Goodbye Yellow Brick Road' usually performed by somebody dressed in the Tin Man outfit and some old slappers in long white socks and pig tails singing 'Somewhere over the Rainbow' all out of tune. But then there's something completely different. People doing Toto impersonations. What is not commonly known is that Toto can talk. In the Wizard of Oz he just said 'Bow-wow' for 'yes' and 'Woof' for 'no'. Guess he thought he wouldn't get taken seriously if he spoke out. However in the sequel 'Tik-Tok of Oz', Dorothy asks him to say just one word and then he can run away. "All right, here I go" said Toto and he was never seen again. Well, except at these bloody pantomimes where he does the judging. Now, there's a bootie on the other paw.

Good job we landed soon after and I could make my excuses, "no costume" I pleaded. Seemed to work, she didn't bother me anymore and luckily dropped my business card in the trash can. Oh, and before you ask, I did inquire about the Wicked Witch of the West. Dorothy was most surprised that I didn't know her, apparently she retired and went to live in Bagshot.

Well, good night. Till next week, when I’ll be reporting from California where the dogs are treated like stars and some of the stars are ..

Col Barker (Retd.)