I did it again. "I really miss my dogs" I said, just trying to make polite conversation. "Ah, so zis Military experience and ze dog fetish, Hmm zis is a problem, I zink". Oh crap, why me? I needed to move on and so do most of the people of California. They are seriously messed up and the group I was spending my few days with, were very, very seriously messed up. Over 75% had the condition themselves and in the majority of cases all of their children had the condition as well. But hold the front page, these are the Psy’s who are treating the condition. It’s me, isn’t it?

Anyway, the concensus of opinion is that this particular condition is most effectively treated with a combination of medication and behaviour control techniques. Just the same for me I thought. Down the pub for my medication and then someone will give me a good slap if I step out of line. Something that could help people here a whole lot, if only they’d give it a chance. So, you are asking yourself, what on Earth (or whatever planet this is) was the old dog loving Colonel doing at such a gathering? I asked myself the same question repeatedly. Did I lose a wager, accidentally enter the wrong competition or just open somebody else’s mail? Who knows, but I was being punished and not in the formal way at the club and how I like it.

Well the truth of the matter is that I had apparently had a few too many - can you believe that - and offered my services to make a presentation on the use of canines in the control and management of various physical and psychological ills. I seem to remember only mentioning ‘not getting up on a morning’ and hadn’t realized that was a Psycho problem, but then this is planet California. So after listening to a bunch of nonsense, it eventually came round to my turn to present my theories to this auspicious group of total flakes. I had to call upon some fairly serious creative thinking, but when you’ve had as much medication as I have, it’s a piece of cake.

You know how many Americans just don’t get subtle British humour, well here on this planet, they actually take absolutely everything you say seriously. Bet you didn’t know the queen has corgis because she really wanted a set of miniature cars but as a young girl wasn’t allowed to have such boyish toys, well except for the Real Cars, Palaces, Castles and Racehorses. Oops, there goes my OBE. Anyway, back to my presentation. I struggled not to laugh as I spoke and found that not listening to myself was the only answer, especially when I said things like ‘and of course just stroking an old dog can do wonders for ones circulation’ and ‘taking a young bitch for a walk has been known to ease stiffness instantaneously’. As they were taking everything so seriously, I thought what the hell. So, I’m pleased to inform you that there have been a number of new special canine charities formed on the west coast in the last few days including "Smiling Dogs for the Depressed" and "Smart dogs for the dumb".

By the end of the day’s formal sessions, I was on a roll and the stories were getting wilder and wilder, but still they believed. Time for sherbert and maybe even some food. The hotel that had the pleasure of my company for a few days was but a stones throw from Disneyland and I decided that dinner would be taken in Downtown Disney. By the time I had finished eating and consuming a few more sherberts, I was feeling a bit Goofy but fortunately that’s not illegal in this state just yet. As I made my way back to the pick up point, I noticed the Disneyland Kennel Club and wandered over to investigate. Well for $10 a day you can leave your dog and it will be fed, watered and walked while you enjoy yourself. Thinking Memsab’s mother, $10 a day that’s $3,650 a year, converted at ….. that’s bloody cheap.

So, I start chatting with the on duty attendant in my Sean Connery after a few drinks accent, and tell him all about my dog back home in Scotland that I call Bing and how he has this wonderful talent of accompanying any music or songs that are played. And there, I said, is where exists the main difference between my dog and the founder of your wonderful organization. "How’s that?" he asks. Well, I reply "because Bing sings, but Walt Disney!" I don’t think they’ll be inviting me back.

Well Good night. Till next week, when I’ll be back in the land of the cows looking for the biggest ball of twine in the world …..

Col Barker (Retd.)