It was shortly after this that one particular roadside sign caught my attention, ‘Big Dogs – next exit’. First of all I guessed that the Memsab’s family must have moved here, but then decided to turn off (that’s the Memsab’s family for you) and investigate. Why would I expect to see any big dogs, just because that’s what was on the sign. No, it’s a marketing trick you know. Like ‘services’ on motorways. Service has never been the word to spring to mind in those places. So anyway, Big Dog is the brand name for a casual clothes manufacturer of sweatshirts, t-shirts, etc. I just can’t wait for this brand to cross the pond and see the sights at shows, where some of those well known and less well known larger than life female characters will be wearing something that has ‘big dog’ plastered all over it. I got gas and fast food (or was it fast food then gas?) and continued my drive.

So here I am in the middle of what they term ‘the Bible belt’. It’s not drive through or fast religion round these parts. It’s serious stuff. The problem is that when Americans take something seriously, they get really screwed up with it. I have no problem with religion or those who believe in and practice their different forms, but I do have an issue with those who want to shove it down your throat – religion that is, madam. So the house where I’m staying is getting a paint job and I do my usual stroll outside with a drink and have a chat with the husband and wife ‘painter guys’ team. So, what do you do when you’re not painting? I always seem to do it, don’t I. Well it turns out that they are part of a small right wing church (never knew they could fly) and are currently both going to bible class every evening. "Why?", I asked. Oh no, not again.

You’ve heard about this born again Christian deal, right? You spend your life having fun, doing all the bad stuff you want and then when you run out of money or energy or friends or whatever, you suddenly discover religion again. Bloody convenient, that’s all I can say. But these people are like ex drinkers and ex smokers. Just because they aren’t having fun anymore, they don’t want you too either. As the painters said, you like a drink don’t you. No, I’m just doing it to make you mad. Which, by the way, I think you are if you believe you can pull the old religious wool over my experienced eyes. They have obviously been bad buggers in their time and are now seeking salvation. You’ve missed a bit, I commented. No, not paint on the house, that place where most normal folk live. It’s mid way between where you were (on the edge of destruction burning the candle at both ends and in the middle) and where you are now (locked into some fundamental right wing religious sect). They didn’t get it; they probably never have and likely never will.

God, of course, is Dog spelt backwards you know.

I’ve noticed a lot of dog’s heads hanging out of car windows of late. Must be some kind of religious festival. The things people do while driving here, like reading the dog papers and even things that could distract their attention, makes this a potentially dangerous dogupation. I hadn’t noticed it before, so it must be a ‘fall’ tradition. Well now it’s cooling down a bit in the Midwest, don’t need the air conditioning; hey what are these buttons for, oh look what are these things? – Windows, dummy. So that’s probably it, they work out how the other windows open this time of year; maybe closing them involves another seasonal change. No, no, I’ve got. All is explained. I always wondered what the point of brail keys on drive through cash machines was. Well it’s easy. These dogs are being trained to get the cash out for their owners or to drive their owners to these cash points. Guess they might even get their own cards and pin codes. So that’s why the Kennel Club issues Credit Cards. They’re for the dogs, and of course us lesser mortals who aren’t on the committee.

That’s enough of this nonsense. Good night. Till next week, when hopefully I’ll have something sensible to report ………

Col Barker (Retd.)